By Kirsten Anderberg (www.kirstenanderberg.com)
Written 2006
Lazlo Toth is my hero! He is the alter ego of Don Novello (more widely known for his act as Father Guido Sarducci on Saturday Night Live). Lazlo Toth is an amazing and inspirational phenomenon. Lazlo writes heads of states and corporate CEOs with the most hilarious off-base, tongue in cheek comments, but what is even funnier are the serious responses these people send him back! His first, and classic, book entitled "The Lazlo Letters," is subtitled, "The amazing real-life actual correspondence of Lazlo Toth, American!" What is really interesting, as well, is that this book was published in 1977, and it is amazing how many of the letter's topics, and people, are still topical, such as his letters to oil industry executives.
"You send out letters, you get back letters, that's for sure!" - Lazlo Toth
Lazlo sent a letter to the head of the Mobile Oil Company, Mr. Warner, in 1974: "Dear Mr. Warner, Jr., I would like you to know that many Americans appreciate all the oil companies have done for this country and want you to know that just because the press plays up people complaining, a lot of people know the oil crisis is not your fault any more than it is our President's. There just isn't enough oil, why can't people just understand that? Don't be discouraged, the American people will someday see that you were telling the truth! God bless your people all over the globe! Stand up for our President!...An American, Lazlo Toth." Notice that wording - he said the oil crisis was not just the oil industry's fault but also the President's fault, yet Mobile Oil wrote him back. Mobile Oil's response dated Feb. 28, 1974, says, "Dear Mr. Toth, Mr. Warner asked me to thank you for your very gracious note of February 15. With all the criticism we have been receiving lately from some areas of the public, the press, and the government, it is nice to know that we have support from people like yourself. Thank you again for writing." Wow, is about all I can say. Lazlo Toth is a damned genius. That was 30 years ago, but it is amazing how current that correspondence sounds.
Lazlo Toth's entire legacy is built upon these letters he writes and the crazy-assed responses people send him back. It really makes you want to start sending letters out in your own character name. As I said, Lazlo is inspirational. In 1974, Lazlo wrote the president of the Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation: "Dear Sir,...It is my American duty to inform you that there are people in this country who, in the name of "environmentalists" and "friends of chickens," are merely dupes of the red menace that is ever so slowly trying to creep into our very minds. A group...made up of militant ex-auto mechanics, is demanding that America abandon our mascot the American Eagle...(they are) pushing for the chicken to become the new national bird...Nobody is going to want to eat the national bird so you'll have to go out of business! I know now you can see the seriousness of this! I don't care about chickens - although I eat them. I only want to keep the eagle our national bird! It would be to our advantage to keep the eagle as our symbol and the chicken as our dinner, and by working together, we can do it! God bless you!...Let me know your ideas on the subject. Stand by our President! My best to the Colonial. A wonderful American! To the Eagle forever, Lazlo Toth." And KFC responded: "Mr. Toth, We couldn't agree with you more; Eagles are for emblems and chickens are for eating."
Sometimes Lazlo is just plain silly. He wrote to the president of Timex Watches in 1976..."Dear Sir, I saw one of your commercials that showed a woman on the beach in Malibu, Ca., with one of those ticking geiger-counter type things, and she found a watch buried in the sand. I lost a watch a number of years ago, and I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure it might be mine! I've never been in Malibu but I figure a strong current could have carried it down there. (My watch wasn't a Timex, but I figure you never know.) Could you please go through your lost and found box and see if it has the initials "LT" on it, and also the inscription, "In case of accident call an ambulance..." P.S. Where can I get one of those geiger-counters? If you don't have my watch I might start looking for it myself. Can you do any harm to a dog if you go over it with one of those things? Any harmful rays? Also, how about cats?" Okay, I am having trouble not laughing as I type this, to be honest. Timex responded, of course: "Dear Mr. Toth, Thank you for your letter of Sept. 17. We regret to advise that we do not have a lost and found department. Metal detectors are available through hobby stores. Thank you for writing."
What Lazlo does with these letters is similar to prank phone calls as kids. But I guess it is so funny because he gets stuffed shirts he just insulted to engage in the dumbest dialogue. In 1976, Lazlo writes the Queen of England: "Dear Madam ____, It sure was nice of you to come over here to America and forgive us and help us celebrate the Bycentenial...I heard that you were more than a little put off by the choice of songs President Ford had played at the dinner. "The Lady Is A Tramp" is an American classic and you shouldn't have taken it to mean that the song was in any way referring to you. They probably would have written a special tune just for you but nobody knows your last name. We just call you "Queen Elizabeth" over here. "Queen Elizabeth" who? Let me know your last name and I'll get working on a proper tune especially for you. It will be like "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey" so I need to know your whole name. They wouldn't have written "Won't You Come Home Bill." "Bill, who?" they would have asked...In the meantime, I've written this little tune to try to make you feel better. It could become your theme song, better than the one you've got now - too old fashioned!"
"The Lady Is A Queen by Lazlo Toth:
She likes America even when it's cold and damp,
She's real classy, that's why she's on all the stamps,
She eats all they give her but she always stays lean,
That's why the Lady Is A Queen.
The pound may be falling, but her nose, it remains high.
It's like she's from the House of Wax, except she's alive.
She's really something royal, if she was a he she'd be a King,
That's why the Lady Is A Queen."
And of course, he got a reply! "Dear Mr. Toth, I am commanded by the Queen to thank you for your letter, and to tell you how much Her Majesty enjoyed her visit to America....For your information, the Queen has no surname, but belongs to the House of Windsor, of which she is the Head. Yours sincerely, Susan Hussey, Lady-in-Waiting."
In 1974, Lazlo sent a drawing of a "Mallmobile" to Arco Oil company. His idea was to put 6 decks on buses, like double decker buses, but with 6 decks, then he suggested they put the following things on each deck: 6th deck-outdoor cafe/sun deck, 5th deck-bowling, 4th deck-flower/barber shops, 3rd deck-restrooms/lounge/newsstand, 2nd deck-card/pet shops, 1st deck-shoe store. Lazlo suggested the "Mallmobile" roll into the suburbs to help with the oil crisis, to cut down on gas consumption driving to malls. Arco sent him a little certificate that said they "salute Lazlo Toth whose Idea Ahead of Its Time can represent one of the important steps we must take on the way to a better quality of life for all Americans."
Kirsten Anderberg. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint/publish, please contact Kirsten at kirstena@resist.ca.